Blackbeard vs. Trump

Are Capn’ Slappy and I prescient, or just really lucky? Probably lucky, but don’t automatically assume we’re *not* psychic, or at least psycho.

In our 2008 book, “The Pirate Life,” we had fun comparing Blackbeard with blustery business mogul Donald Trump. At the time we wrote it we kinda hoped he would take offense and launch a feud against us. It’d great publicity, and it wouldn’t cost us anything! But no such luck.

We never in a million years would have guessed what the future had in store for him. If we were writing it today, it might be a little different, but probably not that much. Anyway, here’s what we wrote eight years ago.

Blackbeard vs. Trump

(Excerpted from “The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Buccaneer,” by John “Ol’ Chumbucket” Baur and Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers, published by Kennsington Publishing Corp. and copyright 2008. All rights reserved.)

One was an icon of his age – a ruthless, take-no-prisoners type who terrorized merchants and moguls in his lust for booty.

The other was Blackbeard the pirate.

It seems you just can’t escape Donald Trump these days. He’s had his television show, his face is on book covers, he’s constantly picking fights with celebrities, his name is plastered on buildings all over the world. They even named the most powerful suit in the game of bridge after him.

If there’s any pirate personality who compares, it would have to be Blackbeard. He wasn’t the most successful pirate ever, but he was far and away the most colorful, the most bombastic, the best known. In a world where the appearance of success is as important as success itself, that’s no small thing.

Here’s our point-by-point comparison.

HAIR

– Blackbeard: Put burning fuses in his beard to create that demonic look.

– Trump: Puts so much “stuff” in his hair (if that *is* his hair) to create that Teflonic look. If he lit it, it would probably go up in a fireball that would put Blackbeard to shame.

TRADEMARKS

– Blackbeard: Shouted “Open fire!” with a sword thrust gesture.

– Trump: Sneered “You’re fired!” with a cobra-like hand gesture.

DRINK

– Blackbeard: Rum with a sprinkling of gunpowder.

– Trump: The blood of the exploited working class.

COMBAT

– Blackbeard: He and his crew excelled at vicious hand-to-hand fighting.

– Trump: Cast of “The Apprentice” excelled in whiny catfighting. Ditto Trump and the targets of his scorn.

EPONYMS

– Blackbeard: Named his ship Queen Anne’s Revenge.

– Trump: Names everything after himself.

MODUS OPERANDI

– Blackbeard: Paid off local officials to allow him to continue his felonious ways.

– Trump: Hangs out with celebrities and politicians to enhance his own image.

WENCHES

– Blackbeard: Enjoyed them, but his marriage to the sea was a source of acrimony.

– Trump: Marries them, and is now a source of their alimony.